JUST DON'T CALL IT A DINNER PARTY
Gathering with friends is vital for our well-being. Here's how to host in the winter without a fuss, plus 10 Potluck friendly dinners and desserts for right now.
"One cannot think well, love well, sleep well, if one has not dined well." - Virginia Woolf
Hello, friends!
It’s cold out — a breezy 7 degrees earlier in the week and back up to a balmy 24 degrees today. It’s tempting, in winter, to stay in—all the time. It’s hibernation season, we tell ourselves (true); our bodies need more rest and downtime (also true). But total isolation, in these times or any, helps no one.
Eithteeth-century French Poet Joseph Roux famously said, “Solitude vivifies; isolation kills.” Roux’s words echo what leading health experts shout from the rooftops nearly 200 years later: Friendship is vital for mental health. Harvard reported that 21% of American adults feel lonely; a CDC study said 1 in 3 adults. The CDC links loneliness with half a dozen short and long-term illnesses—from depression to heart disease, dementia, and earlier death.
Many factors make humans feel isolated—too many screens, covid-related habits, and political divides. But something bigger predates all of that: Living in private homes hundreds of miles away from our tribes (our parents, adult siblings, cousins, and in-laws) is relatively new in the grand scope of human history. Sometimes, it’s lonely. In winter's cold, dark days, we need loneliness anecdotes wherever we can get them.
One easy place we can start is dinner.
In the first twenty days of this year, I’ve been lucky to dine with friends (in their homes or mine) on five occasions. Communal dining—sitting around the table with people I love and admire without pretenses, is deeply satisfying and nourishing. Part of it is that I come from a big family (six), so more people at the table feels right to me. But a huge part of our emotional feedback from dining with friends relates to our hard-wiring as social, tribal—i.e., connected— creatures.
“This is what our brains were wired for: reaching out to and interacting with others.” -Neuroscientist Matthew Lieberman.
According to UC Berkley’s science-based magazine Greater Good, our social nature isn’t just a product of our upbringing or culture. It’s visible in the function of our brains, which have evolved to support our complex social lives. “This is what our brains were wired for: interacting with others,” explains neuroscientist Matthew Lieberman in his book Social: Why Our Brains Are Wired to Connect.
Of the five communal meals I’ve shared with friends this month, all five were supremely casual—mostly potluck style. Many of them happened on a weeknight, and all of them happened without much forethought, planning, or prep. Which means you can do it, too.
To wit: One was my cookbook club, which meets at our friend’s studio (admittedly, glam). We cooked and ate through Ottolongi’s newest book, Comfort, together (highly recommend!) One dinner was an impromptu ladies' night that started as a text chain. “Anyone free for cheese and nibbles?” became a shared meal, though we mostly made good on our promise to stay in our sweats or leggings (i.e., no fuss). A third meal was in a church mess hall, with pizza and salads and kids running circles around folding tables and chairs. The fourth was a family dinner with our besties; I brought Chinese take-out, and she made cookies and pot du creme for dessert, topped off with popcorn and the classic movie Funny Farm—in our PJs (so good!). This week, there was a post-sledding lunch at my house, with piles of wet snow pants draped from the radiator. I made cheese + pickle toasties (grilled cheese) and stretched leftover dal between 8 mugs with dollops of yogurt and a drizzle of oil. Everyone lapped it up, no complaints.
It’s the best of communal living. Many hands make light work and all that jazz. And, best of all, no one eats alone.
The thing about these grab-what-you-can, potluck-style gatherings is that it immediately lowers the bar, and everything turns out to feel like more than the sum of its parts. Someone cooks a little more, someone cooks less, someone spends, and someone saves. Someone may get out of work too late to cook or stop by the store but comes anyway and dips in double time with clean up. Someone pours the tea, another friend plates the pie or scoops ice cream.
The point is that all of you end up doing far less work (planning, prepping, cooking, and cleaning) than you would if each of you were making dinner for your families at home. It’s the best of communal living. Many hands make light work and all that jazz. And, best of all, no one eats alone.
In case you didn’t get it from the title of this article—this is an Anti-Dinner Party Manifesto. It’s cold out. No one wants to dress up. We’re not trying to impress one another. Leave time for board games or card games, long chats over dishes, and lingering over a warm drink. (Who doesn’t like lingering over a warm drink with your friends?)
If you have children, there’s a hidden benefit to gathering for meals: children in smaller families get to experience the "big family” feeling that comes with many rewards—the clank of passing plates, mixed-age play, older children carrying for younger ones, sharing, problem-solving, and creating vital connections outside of the formal setting of camp, school, or organized sports. And there’s one bigger benefit for all of us—we all become a little less selfish. Less: how can I serve my own family; more: how can we serve each other?”
“Here’s another benefit: We all become a little less selfish. Less: how can I serve my own family; more: how can we serve each other?”
I know it feels like our houses are messy, and there’s no catching up with the cleanup. Invite people over anyway. It will reward you tenfold, I promise. Here are a few guidelines to get you started. These are not hard and fast rules. They aren’t here to create any pressure. The idea is to keep things loose and welcoming. We are operating 100% inside the no-judgment zone here. Let’s go:
SET A THEME
If it helps you organize, setting a theme like Dips and Drinks, Pizza Night (people can bring thin or thick-crust pizza, garlic knots, garlic bread, or salad), Soups and Sandwiches, Nibbles and Noshes, or Indian Night gets people in the mood and creates cohesion in an otherwise hodge-podge meal. But do set it and forget it. Whatever people bring, give thanks. You didn’t have to make it!
WIN WITH EASE
Paper plates and/or easy-to-wash items are A-okay for this gathering. Sure, set the table if you’d like. Candles are lovely. But commit to not fussing over details that might command your attention at a dinner party or other formal gathering.
COME AS YOU ARE
The idea is to stay in your sweats or comfiest clothes and make each other feel like family. Let your friend see that you can be comfortable without a layer of makeup or curled hair so she can, too.
NO APOLOGIES
You don’t win points for apologizing for your messy house, messy hair, or messy kitchen. Bond over your mutual weaknesses (we all have them!) with a gentle nod and move right into nourishing yourselves and having a good time.
Below are 22 EASY DISHES FOR SHARING from my books and Substack. All of these stretch and serve a crowd. Use these as jumping-off points, and then make a plan to meet friends for dinner at your house or theirs this week.
xx
Sarah
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10 POTLUCK-FRIENDLY DINNERS
Brothy Hungarian Gulyás (Goulash)
Oven-Baked Chicken with Lemon and Olives (pictured, bottom)
Winter Minestrone with Squash and Gremolata (pictured, below) *veg
BONUS (serve with) :
’s Pull-Apart Focaccia + My Best Cornbread
10 POTLUCK-FRIENDLY DESSERTS
Flourless Chocolate Brownie Cake (pictured)
“Here’s another benefit: We all become a little less selfish. Less: how can I serve my own family; more: how can we serve each other?”
Styling by Sarah Copeland. Photos by Gentl + Hyers (pork shoulder, cake), Kate Sears (chicken), Christopher Testani (pasta), and Harrison Lubin (soup).
A long while back we pubbed a great essay on Serious Eats about a Friday Night Meatballs tradition with friends. I think the writer literally shared a google doc signup sheet each week with however many chairs they had and whoever signed up came. It has stuck with me that the rules were: no cleaning. The connection is the point. Especially as food professionals I think we can put too much pressure on doing something impressive.
Mmm love the intentionality in this post. Been in Camp Isolation for too long, more dinner parties is a big goal for this year 🧡