HOLIDAY SURVIVAL GUIDE
Six mantras + fifteen recipes for the best last two weeks of the year.
Hi, readers!
In less than 24 hours, I’ll hop in the car with my crew for our annual 14-hour drive to Christmas in Chicago. Many of my friends (and my brother) have graduated to hosting big holidays at their own house—but my sisters and I hit the jackpot when we married men who seem to enjoy spending Christmas in our childhood home—or at least pretend to. Besides one year (you know—that year), none of us has ever missed it.
There may be a year when it feels right to spend our holidays in Hungary or Vienna or take a dreamy trip south for a safari or a week at the beach, but for now, my children and I don’t know any other Christmas.
Every year, I imagine us arriving home fresh-faced with a wreath under my arm, stacks of neatly wrapped parcels in Andras's’ and the kids carrying baskets of baked goods and wine—like in the movies. The reality is a different picture after a two-day drive cross-country with kids we’ve yanked out of school straight from tests and pajama day. We arrive car-snack stained and disheveled with bleary eyes, still—full of hope. A week of ice-skating, gingerbread-house-making, and family movies awaits.
My Dad is a right jolly old elf, a real-life Chevy Chase—wild-eyed and spirited and works hard to bring the magic to our family this time of year. But just like at Clark W. Griswald’s house, packing four grown children, their spouses, and eight grandkids into one mid-sized suburban home comes with peaks and valleys.
As my kids have graduated from Elf and The Grinch to Home Alone, The Family Stone, and National Lampoons Christmas Vacation this year—I’m reminded that every family holiday has tenderness, humor, joy, and a moderate level of nuts. Hollywood knows what we often forget: Family Christmas won’t be perfect (perfect = dull!). The little brother gets left at home. The future sister-in-law gets covered in egg yolks, and sometimes, the Christmas tree goes up in flames.
Art imitates life (or is it the other way around?).
I’m not an expert on family psychology, but relationships are deeply important to me, so I read a lot about these topics. And I’ve lived through enough Decembers to know we can all use a reminder to hold this season with lightness and joy—because we get this one magical holiday—one Christmas each year (plus three months of sunshine in the summer!) to help us cope with everything else that happens in the months in between.
As I hit the road with my crew and about 782 bags, boxes, and tubes of wrapping paper, racing toward that magical date on the calendar: December 25…here are some things I’m holding fast to. I hope they help you, too. Here’s hoping we all end the year feeling like our family—with all the quirks and crazy—is the one we’d still pick a thousand times over.
DIY BREAKFAST (and other repeat meals):
I’m a stickler for hungry people arriving at the table when the meal is hot, making it feel stressful when they don’t. I get irritated when I have to call everyone several times or when people arrive in shifts while the meal I’ve worked hard on turns cold. This is partly because a table filled with loved ones is my happy place but somewhat because it upsets me on principle—arriving late (or full of snacks) offends my effort.
I gave that hard line a break when my husband and I were both off for Thanksgiving, and it was a huge relief—for all of us. I put out a bowl of grapefruits, bananas, and apples every morning with a cutting board, a grapefruit knife, and spoons. There were jars of granola on the shelf and yogurt and poached pears in the fridge. The table was set-ish to feel welcoming and inviting but not fussy, to accommodate everyone’s coming and going.
My son and I are early risers— and we like to jump into our day. This simple switch allowed him and I to enjoy our quiet time at the table each morning and ushered me out of the judgment zone as we let my daughter and husband snooze or stretch their coffee routine to 2.5 hours (see strategy two).
I used the same strategy when my parents arrived in town the following weekend. I served fresh scones, croissants, and soft-boiled eggs on their first day here— a giant welcome breakfast. Then, every day following, I offered a large pot of hot cereal with all the toppings (raisins, cinnamon, bananas, brown sugar, maple syrup, chopped apples, milk) ready to go. Everyone helped themselves and even added their bowls to the dishwasher after.
For some of you, this is a duh (hello, boxed cereal!), but for those who feel the pressure or desire to make hot meals for their families or holiday guests around the clock—this can feel like a tremendous gift. See if letting go of one lunch or dinner each day next week gives you some breathing space to enjoy the people around you. Pick a meal each day that family members need to chip in, order take-out, or take their crew out. Then, use this time to rest up for the next epic gathering at the family table.
LET IT FLOW (aka: LET IT GO):
Most days—especially on holidays—it can be hard to let people be when there are places to go, grandparents/great-aunts/elders to please, and guests to entertain….But having some hours each day to stay in a flow state (not constantly interrupted when working on something we enjoy—whether that falls under work or play) is vital to a relaxed nervous system.
Being interrupted is not only irritating to adults—kids (and partners!) hate it, too.
This December, I’ve leaned into letting everyone stay in a flow state as much as possible, and there have been big payoffs. It has meant letting go of expectations, some that we’ve placed on ourselves or that others place on us. For example, one Sunday, as my son and I were sewing tiny boots for his elf, my daughter slept peacefully, and my husband had his first unrushed morning in months—we made a game day decision to skip church. We carried this spirit all day—letting the first family movie roll into a second and letting the kids help themselves to sensible snacks while I finished a third and fourth chapter of my book…without checking in constantly with shoulds or musts. After a full day of this non-rushing, we all felt rested and satisfied—and more agreeable.
Try it this holiday, if only for a few days. Let the sleeping baby sleep! Let the napping mother rest! Let the dishes stay in the sink, let the movie play on, and let the cousins playing nicely together arrive late to the family meal. When all is well, let it be.
ASK A QUESTION:
Is it a big deal or a small deal?
We learned this little trick from our son’s third-grade teacher, who often asks her students this question when they get upset (as 8-year-olds often do). This simple question requires a pause to answer; even the tiniest pause can break the spell of an impending drama.
Let’s say your kid erupts after losing a chess game with grandparents or older cousins. Let them explode (they need to get that icky feeling out of their body) and then ask: Is it a big deal or a small deal? Then, pause for their answer.
This works better than saying, “It’s just a game” or “Don’t be a sore loser” (adult code for calling a kid a “crybaby.)” Asking questions takes everything out of the judgment zone and gets them to think for themselves. Even if a kid responds: Yes, it is a VERY BIG DEAL (and they might—that’s ok!), they are still communicating their need more reasonably and hopefully thinking through whether they can let the thing that’s upsetting them go, at least for the moment.
This works on adults, too. Not everyone will be able to rise above minor offenses. Maybe breaking great Aunt Betty’s crystal glass is a very big deal to our mother-in-law. We can say we’re sorry, move on, and love them anyway. In the meantime, this simple question helps everyone put things into perspective little by little.
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DO LESS:
Doing less, buying less, and planning less leaves room for spontaneity and joy. Maybe a family movie in our pajamas would be just as fun as trying to rush our crowd into the big city for the Christmas Spectacular. Perhaps the meal would be just as great with three side dishes as it would have been with five. Maybe we don’t need dessert every night and six dozen gifts under the tree.
This isn’t news, and you don’t need me to tell you—but this mantra keeps coming up among people I admire. Do less for your kids (let them chip in and help! They’ll feel a sense of accomplishment). Get the gifts you can afford. Say no to a few parties that don’t feel important to you. And then, maybe do more for one person who needs it—the elderly neighbor, the teacher who helped your kid find his footing, the ballet teacher who never seems to rest, or your parents, who have been hosting grandkid Christmas all your life without skipping a beat.
CHOOSE IMPACT:
Last year, my kids wanted to decorate every inch of this house with tinsel and white lights. I love their Christmas spirit, so I was too happy to oblige—until I realized another route would serve us better.
I asked them: Instead of buying dozens of little things that eat into our Christmas budget and take lots of space to store, what one bigger decoration would make our house feel the most joyful? They both chose one mid-size Christmas tree for their rooms that they could leave until January and reuse each year again (Matyas is tall, thin, and snow-frosted. Greta’s is pink, airy, and glittery).
When we saw and understood this small lesson in action, we started applying impact logic to everything. We could invite several groups of kids for cookie decorating, gingerbread house-making, and multiple winter play dates, or host one big, outdoor tree-trimming party with a bonfire, popcorn, and bowls of clementines. We could rush to all the light festivals and holiday parades or have one day-long pajamas, puzzles, and hot cocoa hang with our best pals.
This logic works on holiday cooking, too. I could make huge homemade lasagna instead of four side dishes for the holiday party, which is tons of work and only feeds a few people; I could make one giant pot of beef stew for company, with enough leftovers for two more nights. Baking one beautiful bundt (that can be sliced thick or thin, depending on your crowd) is more manageable than baking and icing 12 cupcakes. You get the idea.
EMBRACE LOVE:
My Dad taught us if you’re rich in love—you have everything. But sometimes, it’s hard to remember this in the heat of holiday pressure.
On our calendar, where we keep all the ballet/martial arts/homework/deadlines/play dates in the balance, there’s also a section for prayers, gratitude, and a word of the week (sure, cheesy—but it works for us!). Every week was full of overwhelm this month—school parties, doctor appointments, visitors, and deadlines—so in each spare slot, I wrote the same two words: Overflowing Love.
It was a prayer (for myself to possess it) and gratitude (for those who have shown it to me), as well as a mantra—a reminder for me to give way more love than is deserved, all month long—no matter who I am dealing with and how they behave.
I revisited those words many times this month when anyone’s mood, behavior, or words didn’t match my expectations. As my kids can attest, I didn’t totally nail it, but it helped. Overflowing love is forgiving and nonjudgmental. It’s patient. It isn’t jealous or rude, and it doesn’t keep score. And it’s the only way to be in harmony with many people in a small space, which most of us may experience over the holidays.
I’m signing off for a few days and wishing you peace, joy, and the loveliest gatherings with the people you hold dear. But first, please leave your ideas and strategies for peaceful holidays in the comments below. I’ll be thinking of you!
xx
Sarah
LAST MINUTE GIVING! It’s not too late to order one of my books to arrive in time for Christmas; If you’d like a signed copy, order it directly and then write to me (in email) and I can mail you a signed book plate. My first, best-selling book The Newlyed Cookbook , which normally retails for $35, is on sale right now for $12 (!!) and can arrive on your doorstep overnight.
Another great gift—a paid subscription to this newsletter, which grants it’s user access to all my recipe archives, full travel guides and personal essays. Thank you for your support!
BIG IMPACT RECIPES // Below, find fiften of my favorite recipes that support the do less, choose impact mantra for a long lazy (er) holiday this year. (I’ve unlocked all the paywalled NYTimes recipes with my subscription—so please enjoy!)
Polenta photo by Romulo Yanes for the New York Times. Cake photo by Sarah Copeland.
Wonderful traditions and advice!
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!
Such good advice! Have a Merry Christmas!